MSTS): tonight, your cold, clinical glare has been smothering mankind’s dreams. You’ve been so present, you’ve made some people think twice. This is one time that actually makes sense, and you’re right, people’s recklessness has to stop. Avoid self-harm and pain and sign up for an antidepressant.
Cancer: there’s nothing quite like a full moon to stir things up inside your head. You’re setting your sights on a big, bold exit, and the masses are starting to feel the burn. If you keep on claiming everyone is afraid of you, they will. Fortunately, you’re a terrible lot of fun once you’re gone. This week it’s gonna get rowdy.
Leo: You might be blushing like a schoolgirl over your horoscope, but don’t let it fool you. Tubby sperm whales are right there with you. Those Flinders and Mauclais are scampering all over your burnt-out corpse. You look terrible, your best efforts are in vain, and if you’re still reading this, you might be at the same nightclub as that less attractive young man at the bar. Time to order up a bodyguard.
Virgo: you’re all set to set sail for the sun, as this week, you’ll be scoping out your personal best. If you’re anything like me, you could live a full and active life in a box. Just as long as you can hit the beach at Vigo. But, surely, if your life’s about to get unbelievably steamy, you can’t feel any chemistry with that ‘burlesque’ guy to your left? Try not to act straight out of desperation.
Libra: it’s truer than ever that daily routines are goldmines. Clean the house this week, sink new plants and get the kids through their ballet, but don’t lose sight of your ambition. Do that Zumba next time you get a little low, and you may find a career you never thought possible. But all that Instagram adoration isn’t going to add up to a happy home life with your family.
Scorpio: it could be a long summer of fame and consumption, but you have to try not to blow it all on a freak fling. A serious relationship is not a chore; it’s your only chance at having a real and fulfilling life. If it happens, it happens, but ignore the not-so-serious text messages if they’re less than appropriate.
Sagittarius: the reason you’re hearing all those poignant comments on Tinder is because they matter. We might like wine and indulging ourselves, but it’s time to turn down that vodka tonic. Use that flirty swiping finger with more care this week, and better luck next time.
Capricorn: for the tenacity of your patience, give yourself credit. But only when you need it. If the biggest obstacle standing in your way is some petty bickering with your boss, keep a stiff upper lip. It’s only an inconvenience.
Aquarius: you’ve got a new favourite sport of your own creating major friction in your life this week. Bring a chip to the final game, preferably one that’s liable to rust away even faster than the broom.
Pisces: your secret gender experiment is over. What a magnificent turn-on that vampiric porn can be. You’ve spent this week shooting up all those oxycodone tablets, and now you’re over your IV drip. Relax, it’s fine. Next time you need one of those hundreds you’ve been sniffing, better stock up on some more in advance.